college. money. finances. summer. america. albania. passion. career. calling.
excitement. confusion. hope. despair. patience. trust. fear. misunderstanding?
questions without answers.
listening, but not hearing.
standing firm, then being shaken down.
spiritual vs. physical.
hoping, believing, praying... falling.
i have needs that can't be met by anyone i know. i have dreams that don't look like they can ever be fulfilled. i have passions that i can't seem to pursue. what am i supposed to do in those times? yes, i know. trust God. He'll work things out.
what if you share these dreams, passions, desires--the things that you feel God has called you to do--with someone, and they just turn you back to the harsh reality of: There's no possible way that can happen.
...short of a miracle perhaps? *sigh*
how far do you go? where do you draw the line? do you stop hoping for a miracle the day before the deadline? two days? two weeks? two months? when do you make other plans? when do you tell yourself that you must have heard wrong and it's never going to work out like you thought it would? do you ever?
i feel so sure, but others are telling me i must be wrong... because it will take a miracle. nothing less.
am i the only one who can trust like this? am i the only one that still has faith in miracles? are we so self-reliant that we no longer expect God to do these things anymore?
we look in the bible and see faith and miracles. people believed God would save them, and He did--defying the laws of our "ordinary" world, no matter how un-defiable we thought they were.
right off, i think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego tossed into the fire so hot that it killed and burnt the guards that put them in--to a crisp--yet those three trusting men did not die. not a single hair was singed. they didn't even smell like fire when they came out! there was a fourth person in there with them the entire time--God was with them, and saved them from the "inevitable"... that is, a quick, crisp, scorching death.
if God did that, how is it that i can't be allowed to expect Him to provide the money i need for college--especially one that i feel Him calling me to... the one i have a passion and love for, even though i've never so much as visited the campus?
then i always have my doubts. i'm afraid of hearing wrong. i ask for confirmation, and think i receive it, but then someone swats it down like a little gnat and says that i need to make other plans, because i can't expect to just let God do it all.
other people don't believe as strongly as i do that God with follow through with this. should i take this as a warning sign and start making other plans?
do i hold strong to this little bit of faith, or do i follow the recommendations of these people i trust most on earth, even if it conflicts with the things i've felt God leading me to do for the past year?
am i holding on to something that's impossible? i don't think so, but how can i be sure?
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"Abba, would You really mind all that much letting me in on just a few of those plans? I realize You know them, but it sure would be nice if You'd share that little secret with me.
Just wait and see, my child. Wait and see.
please pray for me, guys, as i'm going through this rather tough time of confusion and hope. time's running out. deadlines are coming up quick. it's stressful for all of us, but especially me, with pretty much my whole future depending on this one decision before the next two months are up.
i need patience, to wait for an answer. i need wisdom, to be able to weigh the options and take appropriate measures. i need discernment, to know who my answers are coming from, whether it's God or just me. i need strength, to be able to make the decision i don't want to make if i have to. i need greater faith, to know that God is in control and really does have the best in mind for me, even if it doesn't feel like it all the time. i need hope, to keep me going in the times when i feel like there's nothing left to do. i need to feel love and support, from God, but especially from other real life, touchable, huggable people.
most of all, i guess i just need peace.
love you guys lots... thanks for listening and stickin' with me through my endless muddled questions. i guess i'll try to go to sleep now. g'night.
1 comment:
I heard a sermon about Peter while he was in prison. The pastor reminded everyone that suffering is part of life, we can't get away. In acts 12 James was beheaded, but Peter was rescued. But what I liked was when he pointed out that peter had faith till the end. It was the night of his intended execution when God saved him. He followed God even when it seemed pointless.
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